losing it

Last night was a meltdown I hadn't experienced in a looong time . . . some may beg to disagree, but this one ended in snot and red, puffy eyes. It was the kind where the tears just fell, one right after another, down my cheek, in my lap, and I had absolutely no control to turn them off. Welcome to another segment in my Diaries of a Single Mother ;)

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to come back up, and I think yesterday I did. My patience was so thin I could see right through it, and walking in on Ava slapping her sister in the face, and then tipping a chair over onto my foot, brought my frustration and lack of patience to a level it became time to address. Everyone is telling me it's okay to have one of those days, that we all have them, but the thing with me is, it's not okay.

Someone once told me that it is so much easier to be a bad parent than it is a good parent, and I couldn't agree with this more. I remember when I was in high school and my two strongest beliefs when it came to having children someday were, women who don't breastfeed don't deserve to have children, and parents who spanked their children should be locked up and made to swallow the key. I was hard core. Five years, two cracked nipples and a very misbehaved four-year-old later, I'd like to apologize to every parent I ever pre-judged.

Within the past few months I have mastered the art of living in the present moment . . . financially and in my personal relationships. I realized this morning when I was still snotting all over myself that I had failed to include parenting in that plan. I have felt overworked, stressed, frustrated, alone, angry, and sorry for myself at record levels when it comes to being a single mother, and when I sat down and thought about it, I realized most of those feelings stem from worry, and my good friend Fear. My primary question . . . Am I screwing them up?

So today began a brand new day, and another new beginning. I am pretty confident I have had personal meltdowns in every major area of this new life of mine . . . finances, check. Dying old and alone, check. Parenting, check. I'm not sure what's left at this point. But I do know that I feel the same relief I felt months back when I committed to not worry or fear the future. I know exactly what I need to do today to be a good, loving mother to these little rock stars of mine . . . and that is all I can do. And over time, if I am lucky enough to have a good chunk of it, I will hopefully age a proud woman to see who they become.