what i've learned . . .

The past four months have been a whirlwind . . . enough to make my head spin my hair straight. While I know how incredibly blessed and lucky I am, days are overwhelming, nights can be lonely, little girls can be trying. And everytime I sit down and cry, I feel defeated. I want to be stronger, happier and smarter. I want to be positive, loving and patient.

Adjusting to life as a single parent with the stubborn personality I have has been a challenge to say the least. I do not do well with change. I have had the same hair style, favorite pair of jeans and brown belt for as long as I can remember. I am one of the most superstitious people I've met. Lately my superstition is that the girls have to eat off the same matching pink flowered plates at every meal, or it's going to be a bad day or evening. I thought my world would turn upside down when I bought new bedding a couple months ago, but it turns out I simply now have pretty pink floral sheets and an all white comforter that I sleep alone under, or next to two darling, dimpled little girls.

So what I've learned. Well, the biggest thing I've learned is that I actually do not like to be alone. At all. I wake up in the morning thinking, what are the evening plans? Ava spends all day asking "Who's coming ooooooover?" and if I said "no one," she asks, "When's No One not coming ooooooover?" I used to crave being alone, never cared to have a roommate when I moved out, struggled with having roommates when I did. Now, being alone terrifies me. There is no book that looks worthy of being read, no magazine enticing enough to flip through, no television show funny enough to make me laugh. All I want is company.

I have learned the value of friendship - the truest, most hard core, earth shattering, mind blowing, will-do-anything-for-you friends. There are three girls, who show up every Tuesday or Wednesday night, with beautiful bouquets, blooming orchids, endless bags of groceries, and of course, the pinot. There is one boy, who adores me, spoils me, would answer his phone in the shower if I called having a meltdown, and who if all men could be like and all women could love, there would be no such thing as a break-up. These people drop their cameras, flowers, placecard settings and frames, and come running hard at me if I need them. I am safe when I am with them.

I have learned you are never too old to call your mom when a spilled glass of milk has you sobbing on the floor. My mom has the most magical way of talking me into a calm. She brings me back to reality, reminds me what my priorities are, and every time we get off the phone and I wipe the mascara from my cheeks, I find my children, and I hug them. Hard.

I have learned that while I am moving forward, it is time to take a few steps back, and pour my heart back into what I truly love to do. It is time to take more pictures. It is time to write more, to blog more, and share more of myself here, where I have actually changed a few lives, believe it or not. It is time to crawl into bed at 10:30 with a book and read it until I'm cross-eyed, and fall asleep dreaming about the characters and their problems, rather than dream about mine. It is time to get down and dirty on the floor more, and play with my children, who I am molding, who I have created, who grew inside me, who I delivered and nursed and smelled and to whom I am the center of their universe. It is simply time to actually be the person that makes me proud to hear my children describe.

And I promise the next post will be a wedding! :)