a new earth

So some interesting things have been happening to me lately that I can't quite explain, and don't want to think about too much, because that's what I always do . . . but I want to share so that I have this in concrete, and so I can hold myself accountable when I slip.

In a nutshell, and incredibly just weeks before my 30th birthday, I think I finally got it. I think I finally realize that what you let go usually doesn't come back - it usually is gone for good unless you have luck on your side. In the past several months of several new experiences, there were few things I focused on, and too many things I didn't. As I've begun to pick up the pieces, I see things slowly and gently falling into place, and I feel driven to keep going, keep fixing. My mind is completely overwhelmed in a fabulous way right now with how I am going to grow and succeed and expand, both professionally and personally. It's strange to be back here with a clean mental slate, but terribly refreshing.

Women naturally have fears and insecurities, and mine have always been a bit heightened from life experiences . . . but even now those aren't knocking me down. I don't feel threatened anymore, and I trust that whatever I lose, I will gain back better. I don't compare myself to other women for the sake of beating myself down . . . I think a wow, she's beautiful, and move on in my mind. I don't fear being hurt emotionally, just because that is what is most comfortable for me. I have learned that just because I have had experiences that created things in my mind, it isn't, and shouldn't be, who I am today.

I had dinner with my dear friend Elsa the other evening and chatted with her about the such, and she sent me home with her copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I have been picking it up when I get a small break in the day, or climb into the bathtub with it at night, and it immediately all made sense to me as I read through her underlined pages, and read twice the items she'd starred. I won't elaborate too much for the sake of keeping some things personal (have you ever heard such a thing from me?), and because I can't do this book enough justice so I won't even try. But it basically attempts to teach you that all those negative thoughts, all those fears built up from past experiences that we love to blame on our parents or an abusive relationship, are not you. So let it go and focus on what you can control, who you are now, who you want to be, and be it in that moment. It is crazy how my mind has settled down, how much easier I'm able to push my irrelevant thoughts and misassumptions out the door, and slam it shut hard. Then, I turn around, crank up Bing Crosby, and get back to enjoying the smell of my Christmas tree.

This is Elsa. I heart her.

And here is another photograph taken at Lauren's baby shower . . . Angela, me, Leslie and Elsa posing while Lauren was off getting her belly rubbed. She is officially a proud new mama as of 4:54 a.m. yesterday morning and I will be sharing with you photos of this beautiful new baby and her mommy after my first visit on Friday :).



I have sooooo many ideas and things in the works that I will be blogging about and sharing, so stay tuned ;). I hope you all are having the happiest holiday season!